Braces for a Broken Smile

Loving a soul with a broken smile is almost as endearing as it is difficult; a great success at the end of a very bumpy road. We are the tired, hopeless romantics, searching for a feeling that at most times, seems like it's not there. I see this a lot more than I think I ever had before lately, watching them smile and laugh back at you as their insides crumble like ruined empires. These are the world's best people though, the leftovers of the beautiful and damned, the hardest to be with but the fiercest type of loyalty alive.

It is that strange feeling of feeling left by the world stemming because someone who was once the world to them, left long ago. Feeling like dying and actually being dead inside are two entirely different sort of experiences, one of them is easier to come back from. When you feel like you're dying, it is because you are. You're in a steadfast decline towards a place there is no coming back from but it is possible to be stopped. It is not easy, but it is surely possible. It is that desperate source of desolation that can sometimes bring out the brightest of lights from the tiniest cracks, a true needle in the haystack. It might come in the form anything but most notably appears in another. Another person who feels just like you do, who understands that worthlessness and prayers for the end, not just nods there heads, but actually understands it completely. Slowly, over time, you learn about each other and about yourself but more importantly, you learn how to feel alive again; how to forget the toils of your past and the demons surrounding it and understand there is really is love after love, another hope after a broken dream. Let yourself be open to what you deserve not what the demons from before expect you to be. Life doesn't have to be culpable just because you're vulnerable, remember that, it's okay to hurt and it's okay to recover. A little bit of pain makes it feel good sometimes, no?

For the other percentage of us hopeless romantics, there is the darker side, the part that makes us in fact, hopeless. These are those among us who are only alive in the physical sense of the act, the mental part, feelings and emotions are simply not there anymore. They walk through life merely existing with no sense of recovery or damage, no broken smiles because there is no smile at all. They speak only when absolutely necessary, don't eat much or tend to themselves, live in squalor and think only about one absolute: the end. These are not suicide survivors or people in a therapists' office; they're not posting dismal Facebook statuses and wearing all black, worshiping Satan or practicing witchcraft. They are nothing. See, from what I have noticed, there is many, many people in our little tucked away planet that proclaim to be "dead inside" and thus engage in these off-color, abnormal social practices all in some deep-seeded and sometimes unintentional plea for attention.

These are people who find it more alluring to believe they are dead inside instead of simply admitting they feel like dying. It is not difficult to weed these fake claimers out though, if they proclaim to be dead inside, they are very much alive and seeking restoration to life. Someone truly dead inside wouldn't respond to such a direct question. You may feel like death is the answer and maybe it is, but please know, you're not dead inside with a shred of emotion. Dead inside is purely dead, i.e. nothing exists whatsoever, especially not a dedication to a religion of evil or mocking real witches with your Amazon bought book of spells. You're crying out and we all hear you.

Needless to say, if you're someone who feels like dying in anyway, I implore you to seek whatever it is that will help. Even if you feel like there isn't a single person in the world who would care, you're wrong. If you feel like it'd be better to let someone find your dead body, to pull you down off that rope or pick your body out of a bloody bath tub, that you would get all those people back who hurt you, you're wrong. When you give in to that looming voice of death before your time, that is the only way to lose this twisted game of life. You just proved all your asshole ex's right, the friends who won't answer their phones anymore, good thing they continued to be shitty people, now they can plead for fake sympathy. The honest to God best thing to do when everything feels likes its against you, is wake up again tomorrow. Because fuck them. Fuck all of them. They want you to give up most of all, they love your weakness. Make them eat their words or lack there of, let them lick up the trail of tears because it's not worth it. We all feel hurt at times. The hopeless romantics, all my fellow members out there, keep trudging. Besides, is it not super enjoyable to see your ex-lovers and old friends pissed off and stuck in the same positions they were in 5 years ago while calling you a loser?

Exactly.

That my dreary, cracked smiley folks, is The Word today.

Sinner Like Me available now on Amazon. Free digital version will be available from Friday, October 18 until Sunday, October 20th.

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