Do You Live in the World or Are You Just Here?

I feel like a major part of people's happiness has to do with acceptance by other people around you. This has become an increasingly more difficult thing for as i have grown up, i feel as if it's not that people do not accept me, it is that i feel that on a subconscious level, they are finding me just as strange as i am finding them. I often notice myself silently observing the way someone watches television, pondering exactly what sort of silent thoughts they may be having about the structure of my face as i also watch the television.

 Do they find my fixation on the same program odd?

Do they notice that white dryness on my lip sort of how i cannot help but notice the crust in their eyelash?

It is an offbeat topic for discussion, that i could not agree on more and yet in the same instance i feel as if i cannot be the only person who has ever had a thought to this level of blatant insecurity. I do not think these strange observations make me unique, though i do not believe everybody always thinks on the same level when it comes to subconscious recognition. I consistently notice about myself as i grow older that i begin to live more and more on a subconscious level, completely forgoing my conscious level. That may seem like a better thing to some but at the same time i have always had issues with conscious thoughts such as: how other people feel, both about me and their own personal feelings, what sort of trouble i could get in if i did this, the consequence of writing without caring who had the accessibility to read it. I am doing the last one with the very act of writing this on a blog rather than down in some cliche, secret composition notebook i keep tucked deep in the crevice of my mattress, dormant from human eyes. I put it out for the world to see if they care too.

I watch other people as they watch me and instead of hearing everything they say i am trying to hear everything they think which results in me going nearly catatonic, responding only in mere grunts and "yeps." It drives people bonkers and i have no real explanation for why i do it other than i seem to operate almost 80% of the time on a subconscious level, paying more attention to my breathing and heartbeat and slight tremble in my hand than listening to the concert. I am thinking about how heavy my father inhales as he puts the popcorn into his mouth, the sounds of the crunching down on the kernels and wondering how much is stuck inside his teeth as we sit in the movie theater; sure we are chatting but it is just mere wind. I crack a joke about that fat guy or he says how stunning that actress is but never anything of much depth. In fact, i do not often find myself talking at a level of real depth with anyone besides maybe my girlfriend or mother when she is drunk, since i know she is unlikely to remember it the next morning. That is not a slight on anybody either, nor should anyone in personal life who reads this should think i dislike or do not trust them. I simply prefer to talk with myself subconsciously when i am bothered or sad or disturbed or angry or anything, i believe i am the best doctor for myself.
I am beyond really caring about getting flamboyant awards and recognition for writing or for grades or anything regarding the education system. I did my time and i will have that expensive piece of paper in a few months time. I want to find something where the level that i am comfortable thinking on is actually a magnificent tool for me to harness. To be able to use these sorts of invasive observations and be able to put them to good use. As a child I often found myself becoming infatuated with anything that sparked my interest which reached that internal level: construction vehicles, dinosaurs, Yu-gi-oh, etc. typical things for a child. Though my level of obsession with these things seemed to be at a much more intense level than my peers. As i grew older, i became obsessed with conspiracy theories and ancient philosophers like Aristotle. I read Machiavelli at 16 and become obsessed with classicism and domineering ruling systems of government. Then i hated him and became obsessed with the dark cranium of Edgar Allan Poe and how damaged his life was, what a mind that brilliant but disturbed felt like to have.
Subconscious thought is meant to stay where it was designed to stay: in the subconscious. I am not sure if i will ever be able to break that train of thought but i am trying day by day to become more involved in the active process of life around me rather than sit alone in a cold basement with myself as i would like too. I am trying to fully accept that other people like me and enjoy my presence being around theirs. Living in the world is much harder than being in the world and that is the word for today. Thanks.


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